My Darling Son, Shine

My son turned Eight years old on the 23rd of February. We were going to go to the Boardwalk, but we turned around halfway there. He wanted to go home to make sure he closed his bedroom door, so our dog couldn't get to his new hamster, Snowball. It worked out though, we went to the beach as a family and had a beautiful day. I saw my son, just shining under the sun. I just kept thinking, "My darling son, shine!"

He has this big bright smile that I see so much of myself in, except he's more confident than I was at that age. He has a bravado mixed with humble silliness. It's in that confident silliness that I see much of my husband and his mom. They both have this wittiness and silly authenticity that I really admire.

When I look in my son's eyes, I see the cosmic bonds of my family. The familiar tear-drop shape that all the Water-sign women have (my mom and my sister). Their eyes reveal the strong emotionality that lies within their spirit. I see that my son hides that beneath his more witty, confident exterior.

The past few months as Eight has been on the horizon, I have been extra mindful at night. Our nightly routine consists of me and my two little boys squeezing on their full bottom bunk bed or my bed to read a story, say our daily gratitudes, prayers, and lastly, we meditate to Dreamland. I usually try to get back up and exercise or watch one of the R-Rated tv shows piling up in my On-Demand recordings. However, every night I barely muster enough energy to walk back to my bed and collapse into the sound sleep of a working-mom. At times, I have considered just sending them off to bed on their own, so I can have more "me-time" to exercise or watch that show. Lately, that thought has gone away. I'm realizing I'm starting to get more "me-time" back naturally. I know that both of my boys are at an age (especially my Eight year old), that it could be the last time that they want to do our little bedtime routine. When they hug me in public or hold my hand, I'm taking in as much detail as I can. I've noticed that their hands no longer feel so little, like their baby hands. Most often now, they're sticky and caked with dirt (that I have to tell them to wash off constantly); they now have little kid hands. Yet I know undoubtedly, that very soon those little kid hands will grow larger and that this moment too, will just be a distant memory I hold.

Life is moving faster than I ever thought it could. I do find that mindfulness and Presence help me hit the pause button. So that's what I did on my son's birthday and really for the past couple months. I spent the day Present and mindful with my family, letting my son decide how we spent the day.  I've been immersing myself in the details of these fleeting moments of motherhood.

That night, we had dinner at his favorite restaurant, Phil's Fish Market. Of course, my little Pisces loves to eat seafood! It's funny, since I was pregnant with him I had this feeling that he was an old soul. I would see like an old Irish/French fisherman, very much a hermit, riding the waves of the oceans, always on an adventure surrounded by nature and animals. In life, since he's been born, he's always had a strong connection to animals. When he was only Three years old, he told his aunt that her bird was going to have babies, sure enough a month later, that little bird hatched eggs. The first time we went camping, we went for a hike and he heard a hawk squawking. He started making sounds right back and got so excited he was "talking to it" as it would respond back to his little squeaks. This past year on my birthday we went to a pond with turtles, all at once all 30 turtles started swimming towards us and coming up out of the water. I told him, I thought they must surely be one of his spirit animals and wanted to greet him warmly. We've taken walks in our neighborhood and have had the honor of seeing owls just over head watching us, when we noticed, we just marveled at them. I believe his spirit animals are Owls, Turtles, and Sting Rays. He possesses their qualities in his spirit and he's had extraordinary encounters with them in his Seventh year.

Turning Eight has felt big because he has started to say goodbye to his obsession for the last six years, dinosaurs. This year, he felt he was ready to let go of them and put them away in a box to save in the garage. I wouldn't let him sell them or give them away, we had to keep them for my sake. I have to say, I've never empathized with the show Hoarders so much, but this secretly broke my heart a bit. It was like putting a huge piece of his childhood into a box and saying goodbye. I didn't know a few months ago would be the last time you'd want to play Dino World....

That night we read his birthday tradition books, I Love You Forever and On the Night You Were Born. I had strong emotions, remembering reading him those stories when he was in my swollen belly. Then nightly his first year, with a steady decrease to the twice a year where we read those two books on the eve of his Birthday and Birthday night. I ached to hold him as a baby in my arms again, feel the skin of his soft little baby fingers and toes, hear the sound of his first laugh, gurgles and coos, then hear his sweet little toddler voice articulate his early thoughts into words... Except we can't rewind time. All I have now are my memories of those days and of course the hundreds of pictures and recordings (thank God!) which will help protect all those details from disintegrating as time continues to pass us by.

I know new adventures and learning lie ahead. I hope in this year, he strengthens his comfort in being who he is, especially as he's navigating school and establishing his friendships. I hope he too takes in all the details of things as they are right now, so he can also cherish these memories for a lifetime because life is like the clouds, it's always moving and morphing until it becomes a completely different version of what started. Right now, he has decided that he wants to be a Marine Biologist and that he never wants to be married. We'll see if that lasts... I just hope that my son always continues to challenge himself in pursuit of living everything he dreams.

For my Eight year old, my wisdom to share with him is to always watch a sunset if he can. It makes everyday beautiful and helps you reflect. You can reflect on all the good of the day and let it go with gratitude. You can also think of what you learned in that day, also greeting it with gratitude and let the stress fade away with the sun.

For me in his Eighth Year, I'm going to cherish all these little things; all the hugs, his love of Pokemon, the outfits he picks out for himself, how his hands feel in mine, and our bedtime routine. I also embrace seeing him continuing to grow, make friends, gain independence, and develop into the person he is to become. I'm embracing this next chapter, as he transitions from being a little boy to a big boy.

To my son, know that I'll always be there to hold your hand and guide you if you let me. I also trust in your wisdom and loving heart. Seeing you grow up is one of the things that simultaneously breaks my heart yet it brings such joy. Like yoga, I'm being present; striving to ground myself, continue to reach for the stars, balance it all, and feel gratitude for every bit of it all.